College Fears Debunked: Making Friends

Going to college for the first time can feel like you’re stepping into the unknown. Whether you’re dreading it or you can’t wait for this experience, you may still be feeling nervous.

So instead of fretting, let’s talk about these fears. No matter what, you should know that going to college is not as scary as you think it will be. That’s why the Inside College Admissions blog is launching a new series, “College Fears Debunked”! In this post, let’s talk about making friends in college by debunking four common concerns.

“How do I get friends in welcome week instead of 20 free T-shirts?”

Welcome week or orientation is the very first few days on campus, designed to help incoming students adjust to college. Usually there are many organized events and opportunities to join clubs and meet new people.

Go to as many events as possible (yes, even the weird ones). By saying yes to all opportunities and pushing yourself out of your comfort zone, you’re opening yourself up to memories, possible future events through the connections you make, and potential friends.

Make sure you go to your school’s club fair. Walk up to people and ask, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?”

Join clubs, sororities/fraternities, and/or athletic teams. These are ready-made friend groups that you can join, and you all have a shared interest. But don’t do all the clubs all at once! Start by joining groups you feel comfortable with, and add on more as you feel adjusted to your schedule. It’s easy to overbook yourself as a first-year student. Make sure you go to your school’s club fair, and you might even be able to walk around with some people you recognize! Especially in the first week, you can basically walk up to people and join them without much question. Just ask, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” It’s really not as awkward as you think.

Talk to as many people as you can. In many ways, having lots of acquaintances is just as important as having close friends. A network of people you know will broaden your social life, and will boost your mental health. Get to know lots of people instead of searching for the perfect friend group. These acquaintances may develop into stronger relationships over time. If you have a hard time engaging with large ranges of people, it helps to befriend someone (likely an extrovert) who is well connected. They will inevitably help you meet lots of people.

“I haven’t had to make new friends since kindergarten – HELP.”

Talk to the people next to you in class or at events. Begin with small talk about the class material or the event, and if things are going smoothly after a little while, you can ask them to exchange socials or numbers so you can continue the connection. If you’re not into just asking for their Snap, you might want to ask them to hang out again while you’re still in-person. Ask what their plans are “after this,” and then you can invite them to whatever you had planned — for example, getting food in the dining hall, seeing a sports game, or going to whatever other events are happening on campus. Don’t freak out if they’re busy. You can casually suggest hanging out another time.

Hanging out in a residence hall lounge (shown here: Farwell Hall at Luther College) can lead to conversations and connections.

Get out of your room. It’s so tempting and, frankly, easier to just chill in your room while you’re adjusting to your new setting. But this is actually counterproductive. To feel adjusted, it’s important to make connections. Because people don’t leave their doors open for new friends to walk in anymore, you often have to go to public places on campus to be around others. So get out of your room, out of your comfort zone, and attempt to initiate those connections on your own. 

Exist outside of your devices. In other words, “touch grass.” While joining class group chats and adding everyone back might be helpful in widening your social network on campus, meeting people in person is so important. With that, your interactions with these new friends should be more than just Insta-worthy. Make memories, get dirty, be vulnerable. Don’t spend all your time with the camera. In addition, recognize that social media IS NOT a good example of what is real. What you’re seeing from other people on campus from social media is just their highlights and exactly what they wanted you to see, not their everyday interactions.

Don’t people-please. There will inevitably be conflict at some point in your time at college, and trying to make everyone like you is unrealistic. Don’t change who you are just so people will like that version of you. Your true friends will appreciate the person you are growing to become. Recognize what you bring to your environment and to your friendships, and apply those good qualities to how you present yourself.

“What if I end up being that person who eats alone every day?”

Give yourself some grace, especially in the first semester. It’s totally okay to eat alone some days. That concept doesn’t hold the same weight that it did in high school. Really, nobody cares if you eat a couple meals by yourself, or go to events alone. It’s a great way to push yourself out of your comfort zone to meet new people.

Be comfortable in being independent. It’s a weird adjustment to make– all of a sudden you’re independent, you have responsibilities, and your parents aren’t there to tell you what needs to get done every day. How can one be comfortable in that? While vague, the trick is to learn how to be alone. This does not mean sitting in your room scrolling TikTok. Be okay to be vulnerable, and focus on self-growth. People enjoy spending time with others who are easy to be around. Once you’re confident in being independent, you’ll attract others.

There’s an up and down flow in the amount of people you will meet – don’t be discouraged! After welcome week, there will probably be a slowdown in the number of acquaintances you’ll meet, and there won’t be quite as many planned events. Then, there will be times where you’re meeting a lot of new people; then it might dip again. This process isn’t linear. Don’t be disappointed if you are meeting fewer people or making fewer friends than you expected to. There will be setbacks, and that’s okay. There’s always a way forward. Counseling, staff, and your coaches are great people to talk to when you’re feeling out of place or disconnected. They might be able to suggest clubs and organizations that you would succeed in. 

If you’re not feeling connected by your second or third year, try taking on a leadership role in the clubs and organizations you are involved in. Instead of just attending meetings, start being a more integral part of the organization. Your relationships with the people in the group might morph into something more meaningful.

“But what if I never find my people?”

Stay confident and optimistic. Freaking out about not making friends doesn’t usually lead to results. 

The Driftless Jazz Ensemble performs rousing shows at Impact Coffee in Decorah.

Don’t put so much pressure on finding the perfect people and having the perfect experiences. Let things happen naturally—the unplanned, spontaneous experiences are what make college exciting. When anxiety about finding the perfect friend group begins to take over, you might start forcing the search for those important friends. Hanging out with you will start to feel like a job interview, and it will feel like there’s a lot of pressure on every interaction to be a memory. Don’t take yourself so seriously! Relax. You may not find the best friends of your life or your future spouse the moment you arrive on campus, or even in the first year. And that’s okay! 

Don’t try to replicate the friendships you may have had in high school. Those friendships likely took a long time to build, and when you start meeting new people in college, it will be easy to feel impatient. Remember that those deep connections with people will take time. You might not have those really strong friendships until your second or third year.

Don’t take rejection personally. Easier said than done, but you have to recognize that not everyone is going to be your best friend forever. Your first-ever roommate probably won’t be in your wedding, and you likely won’t spend every moment of the rest of your life with the first group of people you meet on campus. The common saying that “college is going to be the best experience of your life” will not happen instantaneously. Setting unrealistic expectations sets you up for being let down. Instead, set attainable goals. Rather than “I want to find my perfect friends,” decide “I want to get to know this person.” If being friends with that person doesn’t work out after a while, that’s okay, too! There will be other opportunities! So don’t transfer right away if the only reason you are choosing to transfer colleges is that you didn’t meet people instantly. Stick with it!

There is no deadline on making friends. You will meet people in all stages of your life, and they will all bring value and purpose to you in whatever way they can offer. Remember that you are loved, and you will take this time in college to grow as a person from whatever experience you have.