Falling In & Out of Patterns

This weekend, I've thought a lot about the process of falling in and out of patterns.

I started thinking about this earlier this past week. My sophomore year, I did a project where I did a lot of research on my anatomical alignment and the way I used my body so that I can track the way I use my eyes. More specifically, I always have my chin tilted toward my sternum, and I wanted to work to change that: I'm someone who constantly walks with my gaze down, I have to remind myself not to look at the ground when I'm dancing. When I get photos taken, I'm constantly told to put my chin up. Because I spent so much time my sophomore year thinking about these things, I totally changed my patterning. My alignment improved, my eye contact improved, and hopefully my dancing and relationships improved. I noticed earlier this week how often I'm staring at the ground again as I walk from class to class. Without conscious effort, I totally fell out of the patterning I worked so hard to change.

I thought about this even more over the weekend as four of my best friends that graduated last year were back in town to visit. We so quickly fell back into the pattern of being together that it felt entirely like old times. I went to a show with my friends and we saw other friends perform. We ate together, we hung out together. They came and dragged me from the library and demanded I spend time with them (bless you, dear friends. My exam scores this week may suffer but it's so worth it). The only part that didn't feel like our patterning was when they left it was no longer "see you in our next class" or "see you tomorrow", but instead a pretty deflating "see you in an undetermined amount of weeks/months".

It seems as though a lot of people on campus are going through similar experiences. Because of fall break, we only had two days of class last week, and so many people are mentioning how hard it is to get back into the groove of studying. It's so easy to fall out of the pattern of being constantly studious. Yet, it can be pretty easy to get back into that pattern.

I don't know if this says a lot about discipline, or human nature, or the fact that I'm incredibly stubborn and have a horrible time letting things go. But I think these patterns are perhaps a natural part of growing up (ew).

I try to remind myself of person I still consider to be my best friend, and how we haven't lived near each other for ten years now. But every time we get together (which is still fairly frequently) we fall into the pattern of our friendship and it's as if no time has passed since the last time we were together. When I leave her, it's not so scary, because I know that pattern exists.

Maybe I'll get to that point with my friends who just left. Or maybe we'll all move into a big house in the cities and make art together.

... I'm rooting for option two.

This is a really old picture, but I love these kids like no one's business

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