February 18, 2013
I’m not sure this will make sense to anyone but me right now but here goes. It’s funny how when you’re constantly measuring your success, you’re actually less successful in the end. Well, I guess that depends on your idea of successful. But for me, the true definition of success is finding happiness in something that YOU value. Not your professors. Not your parents or your friends. Maybe that’s why life has felt so robotic and monotous lately - because I’m not doing things for myself. This will be a hard goal to stick to because society’s definition of success follows all sorts of guidelines and qualifications. And in order to be where I want to be I will have to follow those, to an extent. But never fail to think about what YOU want. What fills your heart with joy, Abby?
Tonight for the first time I realized I wasn’t figuring out how I was going to buckle down and get everything done. There are much more important things in life. When you’re honest with yourself and can let organic emotions pour out of you – when you’re not always concerned with measuring your success with those around you – life is so much more enjoyable. How could I never have seen this before? I want to live in the moment again, but I forget how. Stop thinking about what everyone else wants from you. Pause for a moment and think about what you want. It seems obvious, but keep reminding yourself that that is what fulfills you most.
Writing all of this down helps me solidify how important this moment is. Right now I see the different versions of myself laid out before me – Abby carelessly dancing salsa in Madrid, Abby that loved that hot spring day squished between her two best friends riding through NE Iowa and giggling to hokey music, Abby overworking herself and leading herself to tears, Abby trying to identify herself and realizing that she doesn’t have to decide on one true self because we are ever-changing beings. We are constantly looking for answers. But the truth is, we never know who we are. And that’s what keeps life interesting. Keep reflecting. Stay organic. I’m so adamant about that message right now that I almost can’t let myself reread this for fear of wanting to edit it. Stop revising. Just BE. And let yourself be messy. It’s a beautiful trait.
I’m holding on to this moment forever because I know I am my truest self now. Stripped down, bare, honest.